O voo

I'm sitting on a plane, which is unbelievably late going to Minneapolis, crying my eyes out and stressed out of my mind. 

At 6:19 pm on June 14th, I had to do the hardest thing I've ever done by saying goodbye to the life I created in Brazil. If I thought getting the balls to go was going to be pushing my limits, having to leave it behind without certainty of ever seeing or enjoying all the fantastic people and things Brazil had given me almost killed me. I was blessed in getting sent to a country where people like to love, and they know how to show it. My families and friends commemorated the end of this chapter of my life alongside me, whether it be making me laugh on my last night or holding me for as long as needed at the airport. I'd like to thank every single person who was there for me at all this year, but especially the last few days. It meant everything to me.

What is so painful about saying goodbye is tricky. I think it's mainly because two factors: that this is your exchange, that only you have, and that you can never go back and relive it completely. In other words, even if your friends or family visited you In your host country, they don't really know how you're feeling, how special and difficult and astounding your year was. Even the other exchange students there are having there own sorts of experience, considering they all came from backgrounds that the others don't know.That sense of being solitary is both lonely and fantastic. No one knows exactly how your year was from home, and they can't relate to you when you tell them about your friends from home and the shenanigans you got up to, or how you got sick and had to experience a free clinic, or how alive you felt when you got lost in the city and had to find your way home. Frankly, I think most people really don't care which hurts almost as bad. Its like you have this precious thing, like a child that people look at and you talk lovingly of and they aren't really interested. It's painful for us exchange students. But secondly, and I think even more painful, is that no matter how many times you go back to your country, it won't be the same as how you had it. You're no longer an exchange student, with the other students running around and trying not to get in trouble. Your Brazilian friends and family all had continued on with their own lives, some moving out or even marrying and having kids.  So, you can't ever go back to that special thing you created once you walk through that airport gate. 

Honestly, the only thing keeping me from jumping out of this plane and swimming my way back to Belo Horizonte is something that happened in the Atlanta airport. I was walking around for my first time in my country, completely overwhelmed. I didn't know how to socially conduct myself, what language to speak or how to use American money anymore. It was as if I'd never been here and I didn't like what I was seeing. I felt alone and depressed that I don't even know my own home anymore. I started to cry sitting in my gate, eating a Dunkin Donut and FaceTime-ing my host mom since I already craved Portuguese. A woman came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said 'welcome home sweetie, you seem to be having a hard time'. I told her I was coming back from Brazil and left a lot of good things behind, and she told me ' but there are good things waiting for you here, too'. And she's absolutely right. My exchange is officially over, I will never be going back. But this is a new chapter beginning, an exciting one that will be filled with so many cool experiences. And this time, I'm older, wiser, and happier. I'm so blessed to be a citizen of this beautiful country with such smart people and so much to give me, and I'm so blessed to have been a citizen of Brazil, which left me a better and more loving person. I can't wait to see what happens in the future, and I am so grateful for what I am leaving in the past.

So cheers to you Brazil, you are the best thing that could've ever happened to me and I wouldn't have changed a single thing. I won't forget what you gave me, and I only hope I left a little goodness there in return. 

Voltando

I wish I felt guiltier about wanting to go home. 

It sounds so nasty to say, after all that has been given to me here; the vast lands I've seen, the nurturing from people I hardly know, the friendships I've made that surpass most of the relationships I developed at home in terms of strength and validity. But when I think of being home, truly being able to let myself breath, be in the company of people whom already get me and I don't have to explain myself to, it seems like a huge relief. 

I'm debating whether even posting this publicly, I'm worried they it will come off as offensive to my loved ones, both here and in the U.S. What I want to make clear is that I'm extremely happy here, happier than I've ever been in my life. I've cried before thinking how lucky I am, how loved I am by people who met me only 9 months ago. This feeling is indescribable and something I can't compare to anything else I've felt before. If I were to have to put a word to it, though, it would be contentment.

I chose this word very carefully. I can't say that this year is an adventure, because it isn't always. I live normally a lot of the time, eating Frosted Flakes and watching Netflix on a Sunday, texting my friends in English. I also can't say it's change, because not everything has. Mentally, I'm still in the same place on a lot of things. I still have my temper, I still defy my mother even from 6000 miles away, and I still haven't been able to get my butt to the gym on a regular schedule. Content is the perfect word. It's a perfect word for an imperfect year. I oftentimes mess up, make ludicrous decisions and waste precious time here. This year leaves me with contentment, knowing that not everything is change and adventure, that I'm not living a total dream life, but that things are exactly how they should be, that I'm satisfied and at peace, and just really happy. My life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, but I'm loved, and trying. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

Now all that being said, you're probably only reading this far to know why after all that good being said I'm still anxious to go home. Well, I'm going to be honest, because I feel like in some of my blog posts I wasn't as honest, just giving an update on what I'm up to, things that you can already see in my Facebook posts and that my mom is probably telling everyone anyways. The thing is, I just feel ready. I've been here approaching 9 months, and I feel like my time here has completed itself naturally. I'm not miserable, or homesick, I'm not even displeased. It's the fact that I've done what I came here to do, and I've become the person I wanted to grow into. I'm stronger, wiser and kinder. I feel like I'm ready to go home and start the next chapter of my life, being an adult. Yes, I'll drag some of my old issues right back home with me, but I'm so excited to show the U.S. what I've learned. 

So, here's to you Brazil, to my life here. I am so excited for my two months here, and for everything that follows. 

6 meses no Brasil

 "I'd rather own little and see the world than to own the world and see little of it"

-Alexander Sattler

Cheesy quote, I know. But I thought it'd be an appropriate way to start this post off, considering I'm going to be talking about the fact that Ive officially reached 6 months here. 6. Whole. Months.

Now in reality I've actually been here more like 7 months, but I didn't think to write about it until now. And really I didn't even realize it had been 6 months. It happened so quietly for me. But to be able to say I've spent half a year of my life separated from everything I'd known is a weird feeling. 

There are some specific things I'd like to reflect upon from this great experience. First off, I'd like to say that this year goes way too fast. When I arrived, I really liked it here... But the idea of an entire year this far away was daunting. I found myself counting days, seeing how long a week felt, two weeks, three weeks. Now, I only have a few months left and I'm left wondering how I let the time slip past me. I still have a large portion if my exchange, yet I feel silly for thinking it'd be a lifetime until I go home. I'm almost home and if leaves me with regret. I didn't take every opportunity I could to see my friends, experience this city, and better myself. exchange can come with its disappointments, I didn't expect that. 

One thing that has surprised me is my lack of homesickness. Not that I don't love home; I cherish my life there just as much as here. But, there's something incredible about having this life to yourself, that no one who from your previous life can understand. Even when it's been hard, when I've missed my family, my bed, and my cats.... I always think of how much I'd miss here if I had to return. I think of how lucky I am to have not only one, but two lives, and two families. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. 

I wasn't really mentally prepared to not always be getting my way here. When you see and here about exchange, it looks like they are living their dream lives, constantly having fun and adventuring. It isn't until you are in the experience that you realize that it's not that different from home in terms of having to be flexible and open-minded. There have been plenty of nights here that I'm tired and don't feel like spending time with my brazilian family, but out of respect I do it anyways. There have been days where I get pissed because I have to go to another day of highschool, even though I already finished last year. But what's surprising me is the more I let down my stubborn front and do what's appropriate of me, I learn more, and often end up enjoying whatever it is I'm supposed to. To quote my host mom Rogeli, "é difícil algumas vezes fazer coisas que você não gosta, mas isso é vida". Basically she said that it's hard sometimes to do things you don't like, but that's life. 

Lastly I'd like to take a minute to say once again how fantastic this country is. I live in a lively city stuffed with personality. Outside of this city is some of the most beautiful beaches and nature in the world. But you really can't beat the people. Brazilians love to dance, feed you, and make you feel special. I only hope I've picked up the warm and loving qualities they have. You can be at a party or even in the street and make a new friend who will invite you to lunch and really go through with it.  My brazilian friends and family are so accepting. I lucked out with all of them. And of course I can't write about brazil without mentioning my exchange student friends. We really are a family, even if we don't understand each other's pasts. We are united in our struggles and our differences. I love them all, and have never had such amazing friends. 

Basically, this really has been not always been the best 6 (7) months of my life, but they are without a doubt the most special, and the most meaningful. I can't wait for 4 more. 

Beijos

Feiras

I always thought that holidays at home were fun, but also a hassle. They weren't anything to go crazy over or invest money and effort into. Being so far from all of this has given me a different outlook on what these days can mean to people, including me. 

It is January 3rd, and I am on my way back from a small city called Luz where I spent New Years. This is a very animated day in Brazil. Everyone dresses in white and goes to extravagant parties, filled with several bands, snacks, and a vast amount of alcohol. I was reluctant to go with my family, because I knew I'd be missing the celebrations that my friends would be going to. I've always been a stubborn person and think I know what will work best for me. But after considering it, I decided to go in order to be respectful to my host family. They had made arrangements for me and were anxious to have me go. And of course, I had an amazing time. We stayed with the grandparents in a beautiful house with a pool. There was some other family there too who I loved talking to and enjoying the super hot weather with. New Year's Eve was one of the best experiences I've had here. My family and I danced all night, while the band played a mix of Brazilian music and american music like Bon Jovi. I was given an opportunity to meet new people, experience something different, and I am so glad I wasn't an idiot and did it.

It brings up the idea of being mature, and being flexible. I forget sometimes that these people aren't my real family, and they aren't obligated to provide for me, let alone go out of their way to show me a great time. There isn't enough days in this rapid year for me to be wasting it on Facebook alone in my room and not increasing my knowledge, relationships, and Portuguese. Not everyone will necessarily go as I want it to, and that's starting to become okay with me. I am learning and enjoying this year so much more as I continue to be more appreciative and flexible. I just am hoping I keep this in mind for the rest of the year, I'm already halfway done!

Also, I have been majorly slacking on my blog posts, which is a problem because so much has been changing recently. Sometimes I wonder if people really read these besides my mom, and if people really want to know how I'm feeling, instead of what they can see me doing in my Facebook statuses and Instagram posts. But I figure the purpose of this page is more so so I can reflect, remember the heartaches, the frustration, and the discoveries. I want to remember the points where I missed home, felt judged, felt loved, and was simply too busy and having too much fun to even write a new post. I'm going to make an effort to write more here and record the easy to forget details about this gift of an experience. 

4 meses

Alright, since the last post I did was a big pile of complaining, dramatic quotes, and didn't really provide any information on what I have actually been doing, let me give you some insight as to why this is the best country  ever and anyone who doesn't want to go here is a yellow belly.

Three weekends ago, I went to this dinky little shack of a city. I think it's called Rio de Janeiro, but you probably haven't heard of it anyways. My awesome family took me. There's a reason my first host family is known for being the best in my city: they're perfect. They take such good care of me, but trust me and give me freedom. I'm not expected to act like someone I'm not, and Im supported all the time. I'm blessed to be living here. But back to Rio. I could write this whole post on a cidade marvaliosa. The people there are like something out of a beach vacation catalog. They're all strolling around in flip flops and sunglasses, drinking out of coconuts with tanned skin. It's like time just slows down there. For how crazy and party-oriented Brazilians are, they definitely know how to relax. One of the nights I got to go samba dancing with my cousin. Never have I ever seen so much glitter, big smiles and such a mass of movement. It was one of the best nights I've  had. The night before I went to my brother in law's grandmother's 94th birthday. Boy, was she a firecracker. I loved spending time with her and my brother in law's whole family. They're filled with the same spunk and joy as my relatives from home. Of course I also all the classic things of Rio, too. Copacabana and Ipanema beach, Christ the Redeemer, and the many delicious seafood restaurants. I adore the beaches. Everyone's laying on shrugs and drinking soda. Scattered alongside are tons of vendors selling everything from shrimp to tablecloths. It's crazy how inventive Brazilians get with job opportunities. No wonder Rio is considered home to one of the seven wonders of the world, it's unlike  any other place.

In addition to Rio, I had my birthday on November 1st. I was treated with so much warmth, and I don't think I've ever been as tired as I was the day following it. I went to a huge party with my family, filled with great food and parabéns. Another example of why my family is the best. I followed this with a fun night  out with friends. What a great way to pass into 19.

In general, I've been thoroughly loving my sacred time here. A lot of changes are up ahead. I'm finishing up my first semester of  school here, as long as my time spent with my first family. Although I love them, I'm curious to see how my exchange morphs in a new home. My best friends finish their exchange in Janruary. I'd do anything to keep them here longer. However, I know my year will continue and grow even without them here. Recently, I've started teaching english here. Who would've thought after four months I'd be able to teach? It's a very exciting accomplishment. I've joimed a gym to fight the classic exchange weight gain with few results. I'm at peace with this. At the end of the month I begin my Northeast trip, I can't wait to tell you all about it.

Tempo está mudando

This Saturday marks 4 months in Brazil. 4 MONTHS. I really can't believe it. I find it unbelievable that time can move so quickly, and life can change so quietly and slowly that it's hard for me to notice. I usually feel like everything is ultimately the same since getting here, I'm wasting my time and this whole 'exchange' thing is overrated. But boy, am I wrong. I have lived more, cried more, laughed more, and lived more in the past 15 weeks than I think I did in my previous 19 years.

I really like doing things like writing blogs, catching up with people back home, and looking at pictures I've taken on my Brazilian phone, for it allows me to reflect. Reflection is such an important part of being an exchange student for me. It forces me to see how much I've accomplished, changed, and learned in the little amount of time I've had here.
I wish I was a better writer, and could properly express why it is that people decide to travel, and why it leaves such a strong combination of emptiness and fullness within a person. I think I'll start with some common myths of long term travel, at least what I've noticed so far and isn't properly expressed in pictures and Facebook statuses.

First off, about 70 percent of time, exchange students aren't actually doing anything. It may seem like I'm living a life jam-packed with adventure, culture shock and knowledge... But I'm really just watching Pawn Stars with portuguese subtitles and eating Brazilian chicken. But, this is what I've found to be one of the most appealing parts of being here. I have minimal responsibility and can fill my time as I choose. This may come off as selfish, wasting such a golden year by not keeping it lively and exciting, but this is all I could've wanted. A chance to relax, to think, and just enjoy the little things. Instead of having a mental breakdown over my next organic chemistry test, or working until I feel like my feet are literally falling off my legs, I am incorporating myself into a casual Brazilian lifestyle, filled with long talks with locals, doing the kind of things I liked to to, and
enjoying the beautiful calmness and quietness that comes along with a year abroad.


Another interesting point, is that the concept of homesickness completely morphs during long term travel. For me, homesickness isn't missing the feel of my bed sheets, the sound of my dad's voice or the taste of Taco Bell. It's moreso an appreciation for where you come from. To coin a phrase, you don't know what you have until it's gone. I've never been an overly patriotic, but I have never been so proud to be an American until I'm a legal citizen 5000 miles away. I come from a strong family, and grew up priveleged. I love Brazil and want to be here more than anything, but my pride for my upbringing is stronger than ever, and I'm excited to enjoy life there once again.


Lastly, there is no right way or wrong way to be an exchange student. In all of our Rotary orientations, they give us so many tips and directions on what it is we need to do in our host countries to have a successful time. Personally, I don't think it's necessary. The beautiful thing about being here is that it isn't that easy, and I'm not prepared for a lot of the things that I'm faced with. It's a year of surprises. Like, I'm surprised that it isn't as easy to make friends as I thought it'd be. I'm not as flawless as I thought I was. Portuguese isn't as easy as it seemed. And that all my problems from home didn't just melt away simply because I paused my life there. I'm so grateful that some nights I feel sad, that some people here don't want to be buddies, and that I'm not getting my way. These are the kind of things that cause my subtle improvement as a person, and encourage my ascent into adulthood. What more could I ask for?

Ill write an update on what I've actually been doing following this post for those who are interested.

Cheers and God bless

Dois meses aqui

So as of this upcoming Saturday, I have officially hit the two month mark in Brazil. I wish I could say it's all been perfect and I'm constantly having the time of my life, it isnt. Being here can be really hard at times, in ways I never anticipated. But it amazes me what new insight and knowledge can emerge from the challenging moments.

I haven't actually done that much new stuff in terms of activities. I went to a smaller city nearby called Sete Lagoas two weeks ago for a weekend with my australian friends. One of the Australians, Darci, lives there. It was eye opening to see how much different of an experience she is having in comparison to me. Unlike here in BH, it is extremely rare to find anyone who speaks English.  Her only options for company are Brazilian kids from her school who she has to speak Portuguese with. It was nice being there and working on the language some more. We all went to a party and her friends were very excited to have foreigners there.
The longer I'm here, the more I'm seeing an in depth view of Brazil and Brazilians. Many  of them really don't like Americans which can be uncomfortable for me. They feel as if we feel superior over them and lack interest in them and the condition of the rest of the world. I've been trying hard to break these stereotypes and show them a different side to Americans that is sometimes missed or misunderstood. It's also amazing how much poverty and struggle there is in this country. It's depressing to see how big the favelas are here,  and how many people have to beg for food. This amount of poverty I think is what gives Brazil the reputation of being dangerous. I don't think this is the casee. Poor Brazilians aren't bad people,  or aren't always dangerous,  they're in need because of the struggling job availability and economy. Brazil isn't the safest, but it is not always the poor who are committing all of this crime. It is often gang and drug related. Personally, I feel safe here. With necessary precaution,  there's no reason I shouldn't be okay, despite the high poverty percentages.
I've been excited about the changes I have noticed in me. I feel as if I have a more mature handle on my emotions. Some things stress me out a lot here. My closest friends here are Australians and will be returning in January.  I'm afraid to lose them.  I didn't think that I'd make such good friends so quickly. But I feel like I'm becoming more emotionally prepared and able to handle change like this. Part of why is because I'm learning about the growth that occurs when I allow things to happen that I have no control over. I can't go visit my parents when I'm feeling homesick,  and I can't always have others solve my problems for me. In the meantime I can  rely more on the people here for support. My Brazilian family is fantastic.  We all had a party last weekend and they were so excited to speak with me and hear about my life here. It's reassuring to know  in a country like Brazil I will always be well taken care of and loved.

General updates. My Portuguese is comjng along much better.  It's more comfortable to speak with locals and I feel better about my skill level.
Although I hate waking up early,  I love my school.  The people there are really cool and I'm feeling closer to them than I expected I would. Most of them are younger than me and I feel silly for thinking this would keep us from becoming friends.
I have enrolled in the Nordeste trip provided by Rotary.  It's 3 weeks long in November.  Many of us exchange students will be traveling by bus throughout the Northeast of Brazil where there are many gorgeous beaches. We will then go to salvador, and end up in the infamous Rio de Janeiro for a few days. I'm beyond excited.

I have a lot of fun things planned coming up here.  I look forward tp writing about them.

Beijos