O voo

I'm sitting on a plane, which is unbelievably late going to Minneapolis, crying my eyes out and stressed out of my mind. 

At 6:19 pm on June 14th, I had to do the hardest thing I've ever done by saying goodbye to the life I created in Brazil. If I thought getting the balls to go was going to be pushing my limits, having to leave it behind without certainty of ever seeing or enjoying all the fantastic people and things Brazil had given me almost killed me. I was blessed in getting sent to a country where people like to love, and they know how to show it. My families and friends commemorated the end of this chapter of my life alongside me, whether it be making me laugh on my last night or holding me for as long as needed at the airport. I'd like to thank every single person who was there for me at all this year, but especially the last few days. It meant everything to me.

What is so painful about saying goodbye is tricky. I think it's mainly because two factors: that this is your exchange, that only you have, and that you can never go back and relive it completely. In other words, even if your friends or family visited you In your host country, they don't really know how you're feeling, how special and difficult and astounding your year was. Even the other exchange students there are having there own sorts of experience, considering they all came from backgrounds that the others don't know.That sense of being solitary is both lonely and fantastic. No one knows exactly how your year was from home, and they can't relate to you when you tell them about your friends from home and the shenanigans you got up to, or how you got sick and had to experience a free clinic, or how alive you felt when you got lost in the city and had to find your way home. Frankly, I think most people really don't care which hurts almost as bad. Its like you have this precious thing, like a child that people look at and you talk lovingly of and they aren't really interested. It's painful for us exchange students. But secondly, and I think even more painful, is that no matter how many times you go back to your country, it won't be the same as how you had it. You're no longer an exchange student, with the other students running around and trying not to get in trouble. Your Brazilian friends and family all had continued on with their own lives, some moving out or even marrying and having kids.  So, you can't ever go back to that special thing you created once you walk through that airport gate. 

Honestly, the only thing keeping me from jumping out of this plane and swimming my way back to Belo Horizonte is something that happened in the Atlanta airport. I was walking around for my first time in my country, completely overwhelmed. I didn't know how to socially conduct myself, what language to speak or how to use American money anymore. It was as if I'd never been here and I didn't like what I was seeing. I felt alone and depressed that I don't even know my own home anymore. I started to cry sitting in my gate, eating a Dunkin Donut and FaceTime-ing my host mom since I already craved Portuguese. A woman came up to me and put her hand on my shoulder and said 'welcome home sweetie, you seem to be having a hard time'. I told her I was coming back from Brazil and left a lot of good things behind, and she told me ' but there are good things waiting for you here, too'. And she's absolutely right. My exchange is officially over, I will never be going back. But this is a new chapter beginning, an exciting one that will be filled with so many cool experiences. And this time, I'm older, wiser, and happier. I'm so blessed to be a citizen of this beautiful country with such smart people and so much to give me, and I'm so blessed to have been a citizen of Brazil, which left me a better and more loving person. I can't wait to see what happens in the future, and I am so grateful for what I am leaving in the past.

So cheers to you Brazil, you are the best thing that could've ever happened to me and I wouldn't have changed a single thing. I won't forget what you gave me, and I only hope I left a little goodness there in return. 

Voltando

I wish I felt guiltier about wanting to go home. 

It sounds so nasty to say, after all that has been given to me here; the vast lands I've seen, the nurturing from people I hardly know, the friendships I've made that surpass most of the relationships I developed at home in terms of strength and validity. But when I think of being home, truly being able to let myself breath, be in the company of people whom already get me and I don't have to explain myself to, it seems like a huge relief. 

I'm debating whether even posting this publicly, I'm worried they it will come off as offensive to my loved ones, both here and in the U.S. What I want to make clear is that I'm extremely happy here, happier than I've ever been in my life. I've cried before thinking how lucky I am, how loved I am by people who met me only 9 months ago. This feeling is indescribable and something I can't compare to anything else I've felt before. If I were to have to put a word to it, though, it would be contentment.

I chose this word very carefully. I can't say that this year is an adventure, because it isn't always. I live normally a lot of the time, eating Frosted Flakes and watching Netflix on a Sunday, texting my friends in English. I also can't say it's change, because not everything has. Mentally, I'm still in the same place on a lot of things. I still have my temper, I still defy my mother even from 6000 miles away, and I still haven't been able to get my butt to the gym on a regular schedule. Content is the perfect word. It's a perfect word for an imperfect year. I oftentimes mess up, make ludicrous decisions and waste precious time here. This year leaves me with contentment, knowing that not everything is change and adventure, that I'm not living a total dream life, but that things are exactly how they should be, that I'm satisfied and at peace, and just really happy. My life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, but I'm loved, and trying. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

Now all that being said, you're probably only reading this far to know why after all that good being said I'm still anxious to go home. Well, I'm going to be honest, because I feel like in some of my blog posts I wasn't as honest, just giving an update on what I'm up to, things that you can already see in my Facebook posts and that my mom is probably telling everyone anyways. The thing is, I just feel ready. I've been here approaching 9 months, and I feel like my time here has completed itself naturally. I'm not miserable, or homesick, I'm not even displeased. It's the fact that I've done what I came here to do, and I've become the person I wanted to grow into. I'm stronger, wiser and kinder. I feel like I'm ready to go home and start the next chapter of my life, being an adult. Yes, I'll drag some of my old issues right back home with me, but I'm so excited to show the U.S. what I've learned. 

So, here's to you Brazil, to my life here. I am so excited for my two months here, and for everything that follows. 

6 meses no Brasil

 "I'd rather own little and see the world than to own the world and see little of it"

-Alexander Sattler

Cheesy quote, I know. But I thought it'd be an appropriate way to start this post off, considering I'm going to be talking about the fact that Ive officially reached 6 months here. 6. Whole. Months.

Now in reality I've actually been here more like 7 months, but I didn't think to write about it until now. And really I didn't even realize it had been 6 months. It happened so quietly for me. But to be able to say I've spent half a year of my life separated from everything I'd known is a weird feeling. 

There are some specific things I'd like to reflect upon from this great experience. First off, I'd like to say that this year goes way too fast. When I arrived, I really liked it here... But the idea of an entire year this far away was daunting. I found myself counting days, seeing how long a week felt, two weeks, three weeks. Now, I only have a few months left and I'm left wondering how I let the time slip past me. I still have a large portion if my exchange, yet I feel silly for thinking it'd be a lifetime until I go home. I'm almost home and if leaves me with regret. I didn't take every opportunity I could to see my friends, experience this city, and better myself. exchange can come with its disappointments, I didn't expect that. 

One thing that has surprised me is my lack of homesickness. Not that I don't love home; I cherish my life there just as much as here. But, there's something incredible about having this life to yourself, that no one who from your previous life can understand. Even when it's been hard, when I've missed my family, my bed, and my cats.... I always think of how much I'd miss here if I had to return. I think of how lucky I am to have not only one, but two lives, and two families. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am. 

I wasn't really mentally prepared to not always be getting my way here. When you see and here about exchange, it looks like they are living their dream lives, constantly having fun and adventuring. It isn't until you are in the experience that you realize that it's not that different from home in terms of having to be flexible and open-minded. There have been plenty of nights here that I'm tired and don't feel like spending time with my brazilian family, but out of respect I do it anyways. There have been days where I get pissed because I have to go to another day of highschool, even though I already finished last year. But what's surprising me is the more I let down my stubborn front and do what's appropriate of me, I learn more, and often end up enjoying whatever it is I'm supposed to. To quote my host mom Rogeli, "é difícil algumas vezes fazer coisas que você não gosta, mas isso é vida". Basically she said that it's hard sometimes to do things you don't like, but that's life. 

Lastly I'd like to take a minute to say once again how fantastic this country is. I live in a lively city stuffed with personality. Outside of this city is some of the most beautiful beaches and nature in the world. But you really can't beat the people. Brazilians love to dance, feed you, and make you feel special. I only hope I've picked up the warm and loving qualities they have. You can be at a party or even in the street and make a new friend who will invite you to lunch and really go through with it.  My brazilian friends and family are so accepting. I lucked out with all of them. And of course I can't write about brazil without mentioning my exchange student friends. We really are a family, even if we don't understand each other's pasts. We are united in our struggles and our differences. I love them all, and have never had such amazing friends. 

Basically, this really has been not always been the best 6 (7) months of my life, but they are without a doubt the most special, and the most meaningful. I can't wait for 4 more. 

Beijos

Feiras

I always thought that holidays at home were fun, but also a hassle. They weren't anything to go crazy over or invest money and effort into. Being so far from all of this has given me a different outlook on what these days can mean to people, including me. 

It is January 3rd, and I am on my way back from a small city called Luz where I spent New Years. This is a very animated day in Brazil. Everyone dresses in white and goes to extravagant parties, filled with several bands, snacks, and a vast amount of alcohol. I was reluctant to go with my family, because I knew I'd be missing the celebrations that my friends would be going to. I've always been a stubborn person and think I know what will work best for me. But after considering it, I decided to go in order to be respectful to my host family. They had made arrangements for me and were anxious to have me go. And of course, I had an amazing time. We stayed with the grandparents in a beautiful house with a pool. There was some other family there too who I loved talking to and enjoying the super hot weather with. New Year's Eve was one of the best experiences I've had here. My family and I danced all night, while the band played a mix of Brazilian music and american music like Bon Jovi. I was given an opportunity to meet new people, experience something different, and I am so glad I wasn't an idiot and did it.

It brings up the idea of being mature, and being flexible. I forget sometimes that these people aren't my real family, and they aren't obligated to provide for me, let alone go out of their way to show me a great time. There isn't enough days in this rapid year for me to be wasting it on Facebook alone in my room and not increasing my knowledge, relationships, and Portuguese. Not everyone will necessarily go as I want it to, and that's starting to become okay with me. I am learning and enjoying this year so much more as I continue to be more appreciative and flexible. I just am hoping I keep this in mind for the rest of the year, I'm already halfway done!

Also, I have been majorly slacking on my blog posts, which is a problem because so much has been changing recently. Sometimes I wonder if people really read these besides my mom, and if people really want to know how I'm feeling, instead of what they can see me doing in my Facebook statuses and Instagram posts. But I figure the purpose of this page is more so so I can reflect, remember the heartaches, the frustration, and the discoveries. I want to remember the points where I missed home, felt judged, felt loved, and was simply too busy and having too much fun to even write a new post. I'm going to make an effort to write more here and record the easy to forget details about this gift of an experience.