It sounds so nasty to say, after all that has been given to me here; the vast lands I've seen, the nurturing from people I hardly know, the friendships I've made that surpass most of the relationships I developed at home in terms of strength and validity. But when I think of being home, truly being able to let myself breath, be in the company of people whom already get me and I don't have to explain myself to, it seems like a huge relief.
I'm debating whether even posting this publicly, I'm worried they it will come off as offensive to my loved ones, both here and in the U.S. What I want to make clear is that I'm extremely happy here, happier than I've ever been in my life. I've cried before thinking how lucky I am, how loved I am by people who met me only 9 months ago. This feeling is indescribable and something I can't compare to anything else I've felt before. If I were to have to put a word to it, though, it would be contentment.
I chose this word very carefully. I can't say that this year is an adventure, because it isn't always. I live normally a lot of the time, eating Frosted Flakes and watching Netflix on a Sunday, texting my friends in English. I also can't say it's change, because not everything has. Mentally, I'm still in the same place on a lot of things. I still have my temper, I still defy my mother even from 6000 miles away, and I still haven't been able to get my butt to the gym on a regular schedule. Content is the perfect word. It's a perfect word for an imperfect year. I oftentimes mess up, make ludicrous decisions and waste precious time here. This year leaves me with contentment, knowing that not everything is change and adventure, that I'm not living a total dream life, but that things are exactly how they should be, that I'm satisfied and at peace, and just really happy. My life isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, but I'm loved, and trying. I couldn't ask for anything more than that.
Now all that being said, you're probably only reading this far to know why after all that good being said I'm still anxious to go home. Well, I'm going to be honest, because I feel like in some of my blog posts I wasn't as honest, just giving an update on what I'm up to, things that you can already see in my Facebook posts and that my mom is probably telling everyone anyways. The thing is, I just feel ready. I've been here approaching 9 months, and I feel like my time here has completed itself naturally. I'm not miserable, or homesick, I'm not even displeased. It's the fact that I've done what I came here to do, and I've become the person I wanted to grow into. I'm stronger, wiser and kinder. I feel like I'm ready to go home and start the next chapter of my life, being an adult. Yes, I'll drag some of my old issues right back home with me, but I'm so excited to show the U.S. what I've learned.
So, here's to you Brazil, to my life here. I am so excited for my two months here, and for everything that follows.
